ACCOUNTABILITY

FOR A LONG TIME I DID NOT BELIEVE IN ACCOUNTABILITY YET ALONE KNOW WHAT IT WAS AND WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANT, AND THAT WAS A VERY DANGEROUS TIME IN MY LIFE. ESPECIALLY BEING A YOUNG ADULT THAT SUDDENLY HAD TO TAKE THE REIGNS OF MY LIFE. EVEN THOUGH I REGRET THE FINANCIAL DECISION TO GO TO COLLEGE I OFTEN REMINISCE ABOUT THE BLESSING OF ALL THE LESSONS THAT THAT EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME.

HOW TO ACT, HOW TO CARRY ONESELF, AND WHAT MATTERS THE MOST. ALL OF THOSE THINGS TAUGHT ME PRIMARILY THROUGH THE COUNTLESS MISTAKES THAT I'VE MADE OUT OF THE IGNORANCE OF MY NAIVETY. THE BIGGEST MISTAKES THAT I'VE MADE WERE WHEN I FIRST HIT CAMPUS, AT THE TIME I WAS 17 YRS OLD. I WOULD SAY THE NAIVETY LASTED UNTIL THE EARLY MONTHS OF WHEN I TURNED 20.

WHEN MY BELIEFS WERE CHALLENGED, I COULD NOT STAND DUE TO A LACK OF KNOWLEDGE, WHEN MY RELATIONSHIPS FELL OUT, I ISOLATED MYSELF NOT KNOWING HOW TO RECOVER MY REPUTATION BECAUSE OF THE IMMENSE FALL OUT OF THE FAILED THING. AND WHEN MY FRIENDSHIPS WERE THREATENED I DID NOT FIGHT FOR THEM OUT OF SELF-PRESERVATION.

I REACTED TO THE BULK OF THESE THINGS WITH FLIGHT BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE THE INTELLECT AND KNOWLEDGE TO HANDLE THEM WITH GRACE. ALSO, I DID NOT DO THE WORK TO RECOVER AND REVISIT THESE THINGS WITH THE KNOWLEDGE AND INTELLECT THAT I SO DESPERATELY NEEDED.

WHEN I HAPPEN TO ISOLATE THERE WAS NO WORK BEING DONE AND THERE WAS NO WORK TO SHOW FORTH IN THE AFTERMATH OF THOSE THINGS AT LEAST FROM WHAT I COULD SEE. FRIENDS AND FAMILY MIGHT SAY DIFFERENT, BUT AT THE TIME I BELIEVED THE WORLD WAS AGAINST ME BUT IN REALITY, THE WORLD GAVE BACK THE ENERGY THAT I PUT OUT. VENGEANCE, UNCHECKED EMOTIONS, IGNORANCE, SHAME, AND GUILT. DEEP DOWN I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE PITIED ME.

LOOKING BACK, AND COMING TO THE REALITY THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO MANAGE EMOTIONS, BE EFFECTIVE IN THE FACE OF CONFLICT, HOW TO HOLD WISDOM CLOSE, AND HOW TO ACT OUT OF LOVE, LOGIC, AND GOOD FAITH. THE EPIPHANY OF THAT LED ME TO "REPARENT" MYSELF AND TO EXECUTE THOSE THINGS WITH EXCELLENCE.

I WAS THE SORE LOSER, UNACCOUNTABLE, AND LAZY. THESE PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR WERE ESTABLISHED AT AN EARLY AGE BECAUSE I WASN'T RECEPTIVE TO DIRECTION AND WAS REBELLIOUS. I HAD TO BE HONEST ABOUT THE LACK OF DISCIPLINE THAT MADE ME SO COMPLACENT. AS A CHILD, I WOULD FALL SHORT, AND WHATEVER I FELL TO...THAT BECAME THE STANDARD.

WITH THAT IN MIND AND NOW THAT I HAVE THE TIME I COULD REBUILD AND DESTROY WHAT WAS PROGRAMED AND UNCHECKED IN ME FROM A YOUNG AGE.

I COULD SEE HOW LOOKING BACK AT THESE THINGS MAY CAUSE A PERSON TO HATE OTHERS BY HOW BAD THE OTHERS HURT THEM AND HARBOR RESENTMENT OF SELF BECAUSE THEY PUT THEMSELVES IN BAD SITUATIONS IN CONJUNCTION WITH HOW THEY'VE FAILED THEMSELVES IN CHILDHOOD AND EARLY ADULTHOOD, BUT I BELIEVE ONE CAN LET GO, APOLOGIZE, LEARN, DESTROY, AND REBUILD.

WITH THAT SAID, I HAVE DECIDED TO LET GOD WORK ON ME AND HE KEEPS REVEALING AND UNRAVELING THINGS EVERY DAY. ALL THE GLORY GOES TO HIM FOR WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE HAS DONE.

RESENTMENT OF SELF DOESN’T HAVE A PLACE IN THIS PHASE OF LIFE BUT ACTION AND MOST OF ALL ACCOUNTABILITY DOES.